ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
