You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
