I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
