i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Welp...herpes.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
