I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
