ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
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I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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