Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
