Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
