fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
