Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
