I accidentally had phone sex last night
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
