bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
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While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
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I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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