the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
