Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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