Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
