ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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