i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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