It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
