I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
