if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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