Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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