I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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