textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
