omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
