this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
