Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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