i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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