Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
