Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
