The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
