Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
