The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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