I wish I could teleport
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
