Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
