i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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