now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
