So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
