I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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