No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
