dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
