i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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