I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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