On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
please come you make the beer taste better
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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