Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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