so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
