as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
