I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
