WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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