I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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