I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
