just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My vagina is officially offended.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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