I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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