When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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