You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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