I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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